Weekend Training Regime

I originally wrote this for my mud run team, so they didn't think I'm slacking. Here is an abbreviated version of my weekend training regime. Duplicate it at your own risk.

Early Morning Roll Call: 5:30 AM - Desensitization Practice
Start with an approximately 20 pound feline walking up and down your prone body with its claws out. After the fifth pass, the cat will have performed enough skin preforation that you will be awake and ready to face any pain the day brings.

Morning Aerobics: 7:30 AM
Chase ducklings around their crate and then across the porch until you stuff them into the cat carrier. Run like hell for the baby pool before they poop in cat carrier. Repeat manuever several times.

Morning Aerobics, Part 2: 8 am
Turn garden sprinkler and have it face the wrong way. Dodge and twist the ice cold blast until you can get behind it to turn it off or put it into the correct position.

Morning Upper Body Strength Training/Water Hazard Navigation Practice:
Remove waterlogged trees the size of telephone poles from the spillway where your conditioning coach, Mr. Beaver, left them for you.

Morning Wind Sprints:
Open garbage can keeper to find a wasp nest and many very angry wasps. Run. Fast.

Lunch break:
Lay on kitchen floor and pant.

Post lunch Upper Body Strength Training:
Flip over 600 pound round bale of hay. Pause. Repeat.

Post lunch Lower Body Strenght Training:
Climb in and out of pickup bed approximately 500 times. Increase exercise complexity by trying this while juggling power equipment

PM Aerobic Training:
Run through Wally-world with a 100 pound buggy as fast as possible.

PM Stretches:
Hang out at least 5 loads of laundry to stretch all those used muscles out. Cool down.