Cue the Breaking News Sounder - USMC Mud Run Update!

I survived the 16th annual USMC Mud Run. Barely, and with help from my team mates, but I survived. It was a LONG 4.2 miles with 30+ obstacles, and LOTS of mud. Did I train? Not much. My summer was eaten away by injury after injury - kicked by a mule, biten by a feral cat, breaking a bone in my foot, all the fun stuff. I went in knowing that I was inadequately prepared for the mud fest, but despite all that, managed to finish.

There are plenty of people who can tell you how to train for the mud run. I thought I would share my now first-hand knowledge with the world on how to survive the mud run.

1. Set Low Expectations: It’s okay NOT to want to win. It’s okay NOT to place in the top 100. My goal from the start was to still be breathing at the end. And my friends, I was. I met my goal!


2. Embrace Your Pain: Pain is a good thing. You don’t have pain if you are dead. So appreciate the fact from Number 1, and keep your feet moving.


3. Don’t get attached to your clothes: Reference Picture 1 to understand what mere words can’t prepare you for.


4. Laugh! The more you laugh, the shorter the course will seem, and the better time you will have. Unless you a REALLY serious competitor trying to complete the course in less than 50 minutes, then have some fun with it. Mud can be fun!


Other Important Things

Dress appropriately. No, seriously. Dress appropriately. You have a beer gut? Cover it up. Unsightly scars – hide them. No one can afford to be distracted during the over and under logs by your lack of clothing. Ladies, wear a sports bra at least a size too small. You need to be as aerodynamic as possible when mud running. And don’t wear girly girl stuff, if you want laid that bad, go to the bars after the mud run. And please don’t tell your team mates while on the course that her outfit makes her boobs look perky. That’s a great way to bring the race to a stop.

Ignore the Marines yelling at you, unless they are telling you an alligator just crawled into the Tarzan pit. You are doing your best. (As an aside, I did meet one wonderful marine who cheered me all the way to the BIG mud pit – he made me laugh, which cost me valuable oxygen, but I appreciated it.)

Remember the fun you had as a kid, sliding on your butt down a hill? Revisit your childhood and slip-slide away down steep hills to save your ankles and knees.

Ignore the first water stop. This is a trick. What you don’t know is that in front of you is the Z-Ridge and at the end of it, your body will expel any liquid left in your stomach.

Oh yeah, the BIG MUD PIT. It’s a dozy! If you haven’t swum fully clothed for a long time, you may want to practice it a few times to remember the drag of clothes and shoes. And don’t be too dismayed by the ropes at the other end that you need to pull yourself out with. At least you made it to the other end.

Accessorize appropriately. By this, I mean make sure your shoes still have tread left. Everyone will tell you to wear an old pair of shoes. But what they don’t tell you is to make sure you have some traction left. I didn’t realize what little tread I had would (literally) disappear during the course, and I would be ice skating across, down, through the mud. Duct taping your shoe laces is de rigueur, and it may even be gauche to not have taped your shoes. Kinda like wearing white after Labor Day.

Build up your repartee. While most of the course is survived by brute force, your quick wit may come in handy. For example, as we were grinding our way to the end up and down the killer hills (this may have been called Heart Attack Hill on the official obstacle guide, which would be very appropriate), I slipped on a down side due to lack of tread, and face planted into the next up-hill. At this point we were nearing the end and spectators were gathering. I heard the crowd gasp as I embraced yet more mud. I, feeling no pain at this point, jumped up and yelled “DIRT – It’s what’s for breakfast!” My new fans yelled and clapped.

Get a tetanus shot, if you haven’t had one in awhile. For reals.

Buy some Imodium. Uh-huh, think of it this way – about 7,000 people are going to be swimming through the same mud pit. ‘Nuff said.

Rice paddy/Light Armored Vehicle Trenches. Right. Don’t try to crawl, don’t try to swim. Float. And pretend you are a crocodile. Use your arms only to propel you forward. I moved faster and got a little rest that way. There was only one “rice paddy” that only had 6 inches of water in it, and the floating technique wouldn’t work. Crawling through it felt like crawling through wet sand paper. Also, no flutter kicking, per my team captain.

The Z-Trench. Oh, for the love of Pete! Wasn’t the Z-Ridge enough? I gave up trying to walk this damn thing that would go from knee-high water to a 6 foot drop and crocodile swam. Take that, course designer person!

10 foot Vertical Walls. Take the two minute penalty, don’t be a hero.

Tarzan Pit – let go while you are over the water. Not when you hit the wet clay on the other side.

Litter carry – you’ve made it. It’s only 100 yards of screaming hell as you carry one of your team mates on a litter to the finish line. Your muscles are crying for more oxygen, your eyes can’t focus. And then one of you team mates says “lets run.” What a jester!

Post Mud Run

There is a party going on once you cross the finish line. It’s okay to walk around wet and muddy for a few minutes. It’s your badge of honor, your Purple Heart, and your platoon’s colors all rolled into one. Of course, you are still trying to breathe at this point. But soak in the admiration. You deserve it.

The water and the orange wedge you suck down will be the BEST ever.

When it is time to start the de-mudding process, hopefully, you remembered to bring a garbage bag for your wet and muddy clothes. Feel free to toss your shoes in the provided garbage can outside the changing area. The clothes you see in the pictures went through a fifteen minute rinse process, and that’s what they looked like.

Feel free to bring a shower kit with you. The water is ice cold and you are out in public, but the more mud you can get off here, is the less mud you will carry home.

At home de-mudding: Remember to clean your ears when they are wet. Or better yet, buy an ear cleaner kit pre-Mud Run for use afterwards. If you try to Q-tip your ear clean, it will hurt. And don’t expect to get all the mud out on the first try. It sticks with you for days.

Post Mud Run Pain Relief. I sucked down 4 Advil as soon as I got back to the truck. And about 4 hours later, took 4 more. Find a muscle relaxer for that night – it will help with the twitching. Do try to do some work the next day. It will hurt, but it helps to get things moving. Also, drink lots and lots of water.

Wrap-Up

Did I have a good time? Yes! Will I do this again? Maybe! Am I in pain? Yes!

Hey, wanna see what I’m talking about? Take a look at these:

The State Newspaper Photo Gallery

Midlands Connect

WIS TV Coverage

See the whole course - Someone wore a helmet cam!

Kudos

Hats off to our team mate Phil!!!!!!!!!!!! He pulled our sorry asses (mine in particular) through the course. He's my hero of the week!

Hats off to Liz who finished even with a concussion from bonking her head during her Tarzan Pit experience.

Hats off to Mike who understood my pain when I had to crawl out of my truck to open the gate to our driveway.

Hats off to my S/O Joe, who helped me out of my sports bra when my arms wouldn't move.

Hats off to Matt and Leo, our co-workers, who inspired us to pull together a team and participate.

Hats off to the event orgainzers - truly one of the best run events I've ever been a part of - wonderful job, and the key valet - superb!

Hats off to the vets that we ran and raised money for - thank you!

Help Save the American Wild Horse

Horse lovers and advocates for the American Wild Horse are aghast at latest atrocity being committed by the Bureau of Land Management, part of the Department of Interior. The BLM has now rounded up Cloud and his band of wild American horses from the Pryor Range in Montana. The BLM plans call to eliminate approximately 33,000 horses through euthanization/adoption/sale to kill buyers because of budget cuts during the prior administration.

Read another great blog about this on-going round up here: http://rtfitch.wordpress.com/2009/09/09/the-managed-extinction-of-cloud’s-herd/

You can help save Cloud and his band and many other wild horses by contacting Robert Abbey of the Bureau of Land Management: Robert_Abbey@blm.gov and Ken Salazar, Secretary of the Interior at: feedback@ios.doi.gov. You can also email the White House at by using the form at http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/. And please forward this to any horse loving friends so that they can help as well.

From a press release from the Cloud Foundation:

Right now there are twelve entire herds being eliminated from 1.4 million acres near Ely, Nevada because these lands are suddenly not appropriate for wild horses,” Kathrens continues. “However, no action has been made to reduce cattle grazing in these areas.” There are no grazing permits in the Pryor Mountain Wild Horse Range and reasons for holding an unprecedented removal this year are not clear. The range and adjacent lands are in excellent condition following three years of drought-breaking precipitation.

Cloud and the wild horses of Montana’s Pryor Mountains are world famous but fame and an outcry from the American public does not seem to impact the BLM’s plans. There are currently only 190 wild horses (one year and older) living in the spectacular Pryor Mountains. The BLM plans to remove 70 of them, including young foals and older horses who could be sold directly to killer buyers.


***************************************

You can help by using the form email below that you can copy and paste and send to Mr. Abbey.

Subject: Pryor Mountain Round Up

Dear Mr. Abbey -

It is with much dismay I heard about the round up of the Pryor Mountain Range horses, including Cloud and his band. Cloud is an ambassador for the American Wild Horse, and while he is slated for release, his herd will be drastically reduced to the point of genetic non-viability. Not only is Cloud and his band in danger, but every wild horse captured during this round-up. Foals and older horses can be sold directly to kill buyers waiting to transport them to Canada and death. Despite calls from the U.S. House and Senate to stop until the Senate can take action, the BLM has continued with this horrible course of action.


As an American taxpayer and concerned citizen, I am asking that the BLM immediately take action on the following issues:

• Wild horses over the age of 10 should be released directly back into their range. Their prospect at adoption is low and it is cruel to make them suffer only to bought by a kill-buyer.


• Herds should not taken below 150 adult animals to maintain their genetic viability


• There needs to be inncreased scrutiny of the Bureau of Land Management’s Wild Horse and Burro Program. Our wild horses and burros need immediate change and an end to their mismanagement.

Mr. Abbey, I would ask for your immediate attention to this issue and look forward to your prompt response on how the BLM will be addressing these issues as well as the reasoning for the Pryor Range round-up.

Your Name

Address

email
****************************************************************

Thanks for your help!

Weekend Training Regime

I originally wrote this for my mud run team, so they didn't think I'm slacking. Here is an abbreviated version of my weekend training regime. Duplicate it at your own risk.

Early Morning Roll Call: 5:30 AM - Desensitization Practice
Start with an approximately 20 pound feline walking up and down your prone body with its claws out. After the fifth pass, the cat will have performed enough skin preforation that you will be awake and ready to face any pain the day brings.

Morning Aerobics: 7:30 AM
Chase ducklings around their crate and then across the porch until you stuff them into the cat carrier. Run like hell for the baby pool before they poop in cat carrier. Repeat manuever several times.

Morning Aerobics, Part 2: 8 am
Turn garden sprinkler and have it face the wrong way. Dodge and twist the ice cold blast until you can get behind it to turn it off or put it into the correct position.

Morning Upper Body Strength Training/Water Hazard Navigation Practice:
Remove waterlogged trees the size of telephone poles from the spillway where your conditioning coach, Mr. Beaver, left them for you.

Morning Wind Sprints:
Open garbage can keeper to find a wasp nest and many very angry wasps. Run. Fast.

Lunch break:
Lay on kitchen floor and pant.

Post lunch Upper Body Strength Training:
Flip over 600 pound round bale of hay. Pause. Repeat.

Post lunch Lower Body Strenght Training:
Climb in and out of pickup bed approximately 500 times. Increase exercise complexity by trying this while juggling power equipment

PM Aerobic Training:
Run through Wally-world with a 100 pound buggy as fast as possible.

PM Stretches:
Hang out at least 5 loads of laundry to stretch all those used muscles out. Cool down.

New Farm Project

Our farm is blessed with a LOT of water. We have water on three sides of the property, and are basically a penisula into a small lake. We have a medium sized stream that runs around the back and curls around one side, a black water pond which spills into the "big water". Perfect habitat for water loving creatures: herons, turtles, otters, egrets (Egrets? - I've had a few!) snakes, and the hero of this blog, at least one beaver.


As my brother and father know who have helped unblock and clean up after him, we have a very busy beaver(s). Unless the temperature dips below 30, or the water is flooding over our spillway, we wake up 5 days out of 7 with Mr. Beaver blocking our spillway overnight. So every day, Joe (or more normally me) goes down and fishes out all the crap he has piled in there the night before. I am utterly amazed at the size of some of the logs (think small telephone poles) that end up blocking our spillway, and the engineering that goes into the construction of his (or her) dam.

Most local animal control and even state wildlife people consider beavers nuisances. In South Carolina, the preferred method of getting rid of a nuisance beaver is to kill it in a drown trap. Obviously, for an animal lovers like me and Joe, that is not an option. The beaver is just doing his job of making his home liveable. I met an orphan baby beaver, a kit, once. He was just as adorable and cute as any puppy or kitten and just as well behaved.

Beavers are pre-programmed to dam running water. They hear it, and they have an instinct to go dam it. And given the propenderence of small trees, large trees, and pond weeds in our blackwater pond, the beaver has about enough material to keep damming for the next 50 years, give or take a year.

So low and behold, I was just cursing the beaver again when I caught a show on Animal Planet called "Leave it to the Real Beavers". It introduced me to the Beaver Deceiver, a way to keep beavers from damming culverts using cedar posts and fencing. (See the Beaver Deceiver here: http://www.beaversww.org/solutions.html). So now my problem is to adapt the deceiver to a spillway, not a culvert.

So I'm contacting the US Fish and Wildlife division, Partners for Fish and Wildlife and see if they can help me come up with a design to adapt the deceiver for a spillway. I think the initial design will work, with some small adaptation. And then it will be time to round up a crew to build a new beaver deceiver.

I'm hoping that I can interest SC Dep't of Natural Resources to write an article about the implementation of a beaver deceiver so that folks see that there are ways to live with a beaver that don't involve its death.

This ought to be a cool project in a lot of different ways. As it progresses, I'll blog about it. Til then, may you stay as busy as our friend!

bathroom humor...

So, I decided to take a quick break in the action at work and run to the restroom. It's been one of those days that you have to just finally take the time to make bathroom break. I have a (bad) habit of using the handicap stall just because it affords more room to maneuver. If you could see our 1950s bathrooms made for children that now adults must use, you’d understand my preference for what I call the luxury box.

Anyhow, you all know the ludicrous pose we women assume in a public toilet, half squat – half crouch, which puts undue stress on body parts that shouldn’t be stressing at this point in time. And given your pants are shoved somewhere around your knees, you are effectively hobbled.

Well, I am in the pose, do my thing, and reach to yank some toilet paper off the industrial size roll, when shazam, the holder falls open and drops a 20 pound roll of unstarted toilet paper into my hobbled/crouched lap. And I am in the bathroom all alone in the luxury box, with no hope (or real desire) for any help.

“Crap” I thinks and then pause. “Okay, no crap, but what to do?”

Besides the pose and hobbling, I am dealing with a somewhat non-functioning left wrist. It’s probably broken somewhere in those myriad of small bones, but I am refusing to go to a doctor purely out of hatred of my medical insurance. (How, you might ask, did the aforementioned wrist get allegedly broken? Sleep walking – another new bad habit. I ran into the door frame so hard, I woke Joe out of his drugged sleep.) So add bum wrist to the pose and hobbling and now trying to hold onto a 20 pound roll of toilet paper with one good hand.

I sigh. This isn’t going to be pretty, no matter what I attempt to do.

Luckily (my first break during this whole experience) the holder door has stayed ajar. I rip the glue-y part of the toilet paper to get the roll started. It falls dramatically, like a feather drifting in the wind to the right. I maneuver the roll, gritting my teeth as things roll in my left wrist, and hoist the roll that is the size of medium-sized pumpkin back into place. And then the inner Miss Manners versus Project Manager dialog starts:

“So which way should the paper hang – on the left- or right-side?” Inner Miss muses.

Project Manager replies, “Well, what risks are there in hanging it on either side? What do the customers want? Do we need a risk mitigation plan to deal with left-side hanging? Will right-side hanging cause a significant impact to scope or schedule?”

Inner Miss sniffs. “If you do not know to which side the Ritz Carlton hangs its toilet paper, you are uncouth and uncivilized.”

Project Manager gets snotty. “We have a project here we need to complete. Pick a damn side and be done with it!”

God bless the PM for winning.

I shut the door. It falls back open. I shut it again. It falls yet again.

The inner engineer kicks in, “Apply ample percussive maintenance to any object not obeying the rules of plastic injection molding.”

I slam it shut and glare at it. You know, the mad woman stare that stops most men and (smart) dogs in their tracks.

It stays shut.

I complete my project. I finish with the obligatory soapy hand-washing. I go to get paper towels. The paper towels jam.

I run.

Worker's Comp - Part 2

Well, if you have unfortunately found out about worker's comp the hard way - my sympathies. If you are reading this out of curiousity, take mental notes, campers! Today, we are going to talk about the "compensation" end of workers comp.

Disclaimer & Bad Grammar Alert!: Compensation and it's governing laws will vary GREATLY from state to state. Please check in with your workers compensation commission to get the exact details of what you should be getting paid, and what your settlement or suit may consist of!

So, you've been hurt on the job and you'll be wanting a check. Now, ask yourself, prior to getting hurt, did you ever really give a rat's ass about workers compensation? Or were you just ho-hum, great, something else I'll never use...? Me, I was in the rat's ass category. It existed, and that's all I knew. My bubble was burst when Joe was hurt, and did I have a lot to learn. (See Worker's Comp Blog 1 for more info.)

Basic facts:

• The state you live in will guarantee you some form of worker's compensation payments
• The state will govern how often and what amount you get paid
• The state will govern what your settlement may (0r may not) consist of

Here in South Carolina, you are guaranteed 2/3's of your weekly pay up to the state average salary. Catch that last part - state average salary? To misquote Billy Shakespeare - there's the rub. Given that SC is one of the poorest state's in the nation, the state average salary is miserable. It is a mere $647 a week which totals $2,588 for the month. Now for some folks, that's quite a bit. For someone who makes the monthly total every week, WOW, so NOT covering the bills.

Now Worker's Comp is not taxed - you won't owe state or Federal taxes on it. (As an aside, when/if you settle, you will owe Social Security taxes on your settlement, but that's a tale for another day.) But that's all you get. And in South Carolina, the worker's compensation insurance company is allowed to average your salary over the last 18 months. Zowee, Batman! Talk about a further reduction!

So your workers comp check will come in specified intervals from the workers compensation insurance company. And the moon is made of green cheese which is harvested by little men from Mars. Do not count on your check being on time, particularly around the holidays, major economic events, or any time you really need it. Our lawyer advised us NOT to have it direct deposited - that has an even worse track record for timeliness. Supposedly, your lawyer (if you have retained one) could go after the WC insurance company for late payments, but it's not high on their priority list.

Now the next thing to understand is that there is a time limit to your workers compensation claim. In South Carolina, you are allowed to collect/be on workers comp for 500 weeks, or almost 10 years. That seems long, but for a major life-changing injury, it may not be enough.

I know, a lot to digest, so I am going to talk about settlement and suits in a different blog. I think I am due for a funny blog in between serious ones, so don't look for the next Workers Comp blog for a couple of days.

Smackdown

WASHINGTON — Gov. Mark Sanford might not have even known he was in the
wrestling ring when U.S. House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn delivered an emphatic
smack-down from Washington.

The State Newspaper, January, 30^th, 2009

Whooo - go Jim Clyburn!

So before I get ahead of myself, let me pause and reflect. Mark Sanford, the economic conservative mouthpiece of the GOP, doesn't care about the unemployed or the under-employed, and certainly doesn't have a grasp on reality.

This is the man, who has been trouncing the Employment Security Commission, threatening not to sign a loan from the U.S. DOL (which he had NO choice but to sign - go ahead and call DOL, they'll tell you) to pay benefits to the unemployed in one of states suffering the worst from unemployment.

So U.S. Representative Jim Clyburn from South Carolina, the third most powerful Representative in the House added a last minute amendment, that bypassed the mouthpiece,and got the money to the SC Legislature.

After 6 ineffective years as governor, Mr. Sanford has choosen to grandstand on the backs of the unemployed, instead of getting his own house in order. The reasons that South Carolina suffers can be traced all the way back to the Civil War, but the lack of leadership and no efforts at bipartisanship have left the state in a shameful position.

Chose a ranking and watch how SC stacks up (all the latest stats available):

Infant Mortality - 3rd in the nation (U.S. Census, 2005 )

Most Dangerous - #4 (In sub-categories, in Assault, SC is #1, murder #4) (CQ Press, 2008)

Unemployment - 4th Highest (U.S. Census, 2007 )

Persons below poverty level: 11th Highest (U.S. Census, 2006 )

Traffic Fatalities: 3rd Highest (U.S. Census, 2005 )

Wow, talk about a state needing a Federal hand! And our Governor, who is well-off and married to a well-off woman would like nothing better than to spite South Carolina's collective face by refusing to take bailout money.

But our willy fox, Jim Clyburn knew the ways the political winds would blow and did an end-around our lame duck gov. Money desperately needed to repair roads and bridges will be making its way to SC DOT; children may get to go to class in safe schools; and the elderly will have cut programs restored.

It is time for South Carolina to take a hard look at itself. It's current government structure is not working for the benefit of the taxpayer. Yes, the Federal stimulus package is a quick windfall that may not be repeated ever. But South Carolina can make changes that would vastly improve the state of the state. And save it boatloads of money.

I think Sanford's idea of consolidation a great one - just why hasn't it happened? Why does it seem like he has more enemies on his side of the aisle than the other? Whatever happened to building politcal bridges as well as physical ones?

The statistics above point out a very sad fact about South Carolina - it's dysfunctional. Top to bottom and inside out, South Carolina suffers because no one has given a big enough damn to make things right. Poverty and lack of education and opportunity leads to violence and despair. And worse yet, people have convinced themselves this is how it is supposed to be that acting ignorant is okay; pollution acceptable; and the way things were are good enough for the next generation.

I am hopeful that a new crop of leaders will be inspired to try to make a change in South Carolina. If we can just carry some of the enthusiasm that sparked the nation to make a change, South Carolina may stand a chance. Amen.